Finding the Perfect Partner – It’s Okay to Stop Looking

At Stori we’re not about perpetuating ridiculous myths, however, we do fully believe in shining a light on experiences that people usually don’t talk about – but really should. Shame loves to keep us silent (obviously not helpful) so in the name of solidarity we’re sharing some commonly experienced challenges that we hear time and time again in therapy in the hopes it helps. If you see yourself somewhere on this page, you’re definitely not alone, even if you are, currently, alone. 

We all live under the cultural bias that a committed relationship with the perfect partner is the key to happiness. That, indeed, life will finally be complete once we find the perfect person to get love from and give love to, right? According to some interesting research, nope. 

 A lifelong partnership does not necessarily make us happier. And if we may be so bold, we think that the pursuit of the perfect partner is not only a crazy-making venture, but a waste of time. 

The truth is, “the perfect partner” doesn’t exist, even if your neighbor Becky claims her partner is always emotionally available for her needs, loves to just sit and cuddle, and is ALWAYS ready to have sex at a moment’s notice. Becky is lying. 

What do absolutely exist are the many myths of the “perfect partner” and the unrealistic expectations that get in the way of us cultivating the relationships we actually want. See, there’s a very big difference between wanting perfection and being willing to work towards it. One is passive, the other requires effort. Like sustained effort. And lots of it.

Inside Stori’s walls we hear from the singletons who eliminate every person who comes their way for not having the “full package” of ideal qualities. We hear from the married couples missing the romance of their honeymoon phase and wonder if they’re missing out on their best lives. We hear from those who are afraid to even try because they don’t feel deserving of love. Each of these people is in pain and often doesn’t realize that their unrealistic expectations and displaced longing may be the biggest problem in their equation. 

No one will come to us in a perfect package, though it may feel that way when we’re in the throes of falling in love – but really that’s projection and the dopamine talking. And, no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect for another person. 

The nature of relationships and emotional intimacy actually requires misunderstandings, conflict, arguments, and pain. It is by navigating those tough spots, and seeking common ground, that we actually develop the kind of intimacy that helps us build the stuff dreams are made of – understanding, acceptance, compassion, and maybe, the longevity to turn love-at-first-sight into a long-term partnership. 

We don’t blame you if you’ve thrown in the towel and decided your cats are better company than that last blind date you went on. We feel you if you’re struggling with what appears to be your partner’s emotional unavailability. We hope you won’t judge yourself if you are currently pining for something to help ease the loneliness that exists in either of these places and a million stops in between. 

What if we just accept that sometimes it sucks to be single and sometimes it sucks to be in a relationship? What if we acknowledge that the needs we are trying to fill can’t be filled by someone else? What if we meet them in the only way we can, by giving ourselves exactly the TLC we crave? 

If we set more realistic expectations about the role partnership plays in our lives, we stand a much better chance of appreciating it for what it is instead of what it isn’t. 

So leave perfection where it belongs – on the pages of your favorite childhood fairytale book. We love this psychologist’s work and perspective on relationship. Grab a glass of whatever floats your boat and have a look. 

And if you’re ready to look at your own relationship needs or hurdles, you know where to find us. Your local Brentwood therapists are ready for you.

*If you are in an abusive relationship, this journal entry is not for you. Physical and or emotional abuse is never acceptable. If you need help to determine if your relationship is abusive, read more here or email or call us to schedule a consultation.